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Raising Compassionate Boys Means Having Compassion For Boys

February 21, 2015Blog, Connecting with our kids1000 voices for compassion, 1000speak, boys, feelings, isolation, Listening, motherhood, parenting, self-compassion, setting limitsTosha Schore

This post is part of the 1000 Voices for Compassion movement, an online campaign happening on February 20, 2015 (or on February 21, if you’re an overwhelmed mom of three, trying to cultivate self-compassion…) to flood the blogosphere with kindness, caring, compassion, non-judgement and all around goodness. To read other stories of compassion, check out the hashtag #1000Speak on Facebook and Twitter.

The other day on the way home from school, my 8-year-old suddenly interrupted his own excited play-by-play of his day’s highlights with a roaring rendition of “Tomorrow,” the famous tune from Annie. “The sun will come out tomorrow. Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow ther’ll be sun…”

“Why are they always talking about the sun,” he asked, interrupting himself yet again.

“Well,” I responded. “The sun is seen as a symbol of brightness, hope, warmth and possibility.” I continued. “Remember that those girls didn’t have parents caring for them. They were stuck in an orphanage with that evil Miss Hannigan, hoping and praying that someone kind would show up at the door, looking to adopt them.”

Again, I was was interrupted. “Miss. Hannigan’s not evil,” my son said, in all seriousness. “She just has special needs.”

As often happens in my parenting journey, I was caught off guard. First I had a good long belly laugh like only those improbable kid proclamations can bring on. And then I felt proud. Yet another children’s movie had attempted to simplify human nature by dividing us into two bland categories of good and evil, all the nuances of our lives left to fall by the wayside. But my 8-year-old was having none of it!

Underneath her alcoholism and abusive behavior, even Miss Hannigan had a story.

What my son knew instinctively, that Miss Hannigan’s behaviors were a call for help that no one was answering, is often lost on us big people. Rather than moving towards others when they show behaviors indicative of struggle, we often pull away, insulting or shaming them for their differences, slaves to our own inner struggles.

I’m not advocating for a free-for-all of dysfunctional or hurtful behavior. Interventions and limit setting are vital. First and foremost we need to keep everyone safe. But we can’t just be compassionate when it comes easily. Having compassion requires taking a virtual trip into the dark depths of those who do wrong by us, or by others, learning their stories, letting go of anger, disappointment or embarrassment, and moving on.

Easy to do, no? But necessary in teaching our boys about compassion. We, adults, are often limited in our ability to be compassionate with those who break certain social norms, and in my life as the mother of three boys and an advocate for young boys and their parents this often looks like a jab, a grab, a hit, a loud voice, a big movement, an inappropriate joke, or a joke at an inappropriate time…The list is long.

Young boys have it hard. For many, from the start of traditional schooling, they are square pegs of energy and curiosity shoved into round holes of sitting quietly at desks, doing what someone else has on their agenda. I think about all the squashed potential! I think about someone forcing me to perform well in a career that taps none of my talents, but only magnifies my struggles and weaknesses. I cringe, experiencing the feelings of embarrassment and shame I imagine I would feel as I tried over and over again to be successful at something that did not come easily, while others criticized and punished.

And outside of school, even where I live today, in what is supposedly one of the most open-minded places on the planet, I constantly see boys’ energy, spirits and feelings being squelched by adults who choose only to be bothered, or even scared by them, rather than appreciate their uniqueness or offer them an ear when they need to talk, a shoulder when they need to cry, or a hand when they are stuck in some unworkable behavior.

As parents, we must work hard to change this! We must reach for our boys when their behaviors are ugly, aggressive, or mean. Keeping sight of their goodness is our job. The more we see it, the more compassion we will feel towards them. And the more love and compassion they feel coming their way, the greater their ability to share their goodness with the world.

It can be hard to see past Miss Hannigan’s screaming and drinking, but we can imagine that her road was a rocky one. And it can be equally difficult to see through a boy’s defiance or anger. But those boys have stories too. In helping our boys share their stories, we are, in effect, cultivating compassion.

1000Speak started with an understanding that even though we might get older, we still all need the metaphorical village around us, and the compassion of others in our lives. Then the sudden thought happened — what if 1000 of us wrote about compassion all at once? From there, the movement has taken on its own life; has burgeoned and grown and spread a whole lot of love and connection and ‘villageyness’.

Spread compassion using the hashtag #1000Speak.

Share your stories of compassion below. I always love to hear!

 

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12 thoughts on “Raising Compassionate Boys Means Having Compassion For Boys”

  1. Crystal R. Cook says:
    February 21, 2015 at 10:47 am

    Three of my four children are boys, well – men now, and I couldn’t agree with you more 🙂 Raising men who value compassion is essential and important and beautiful. My prayer is that the boys of today become men of tomorrow who are not afraid to let the light in their hearts shine, and it’s up to us as parents to teach them how . . .

    Reply
    1. Tosha Schore says:
      February 21, 2015 at 1:30 pm

      Crystal, I couldn’t agree more! We ARE raising the men of tomorrow. Thanks so much for taking the time to read my piece and share your thinking.

      Reply
  2. Dani says:
    February 22, 2015 at 7:51 pm

    This is such a beautiful post, Tosha. Blessings to you for your heart and contribution.

    With thanksgiving,
    Dani

    Reply
    1. Tosha Schore says:
      February 23, 2015 at 8:51 am

      Thank you, Dani. I’m so glad it touched you! 🙂

      Reply
  3. ilirianwanderer says:
    February 23, 2015 at 1:44 am

    I’ve stumbled upon so many posts by mothers in 1000speak that I’m beginning to get freaked out of the whole idea of getting married and raising kids.

    It sounds like a scary responsibility! :/

    What if I screw up?!

    Anyway, yours was yet another thought provoking post on a very very valid point! 🙂

    Thank you for sharing! 🙂

    Reply
    1. Tosha Schore says:
      February 23, 2015 at 8:55 am

      That’s funny! Yes, the internet can work to freak you out on just about any subject you choose… Parenting is a scary responsibility (not to mention marriage), but we ALL screw up. And for all it’s challenges, it is by far the best scary move I’ve ever made! I’m just headed off for three days alone to teach at a retreat, and the prospect of being alone with myself – no one vying for my attention is scary as well! Sending calming thoughts your way. 🙂

      Reply
  4. nabanita says:
    February 24, 2015 at 2:07 am

    If we raise the boys of today with compassion, we’ll have such great men in the future…
    Random Thoughts Naba..Why No One Talks About Compassion Anymore?….

    Reply
    1. Tosha Schore says:
      February 24, 2015 at 11:41 am

      That is absolutely my goal, Naba! Thanks for helping spread the message.

      Reply
  5. Shailee Butalia says:
    March 1, 2015 at 2:25 pm

    It’s amazing that kids can have so much insight. I can’t wait to hear the things that my baby observes in the world. I can only hope that we allow her to explore everything fully and don’t curb her curiosity in any way (and she is definitely a curious baby). Great post!

    Reply
    1. Tosha Schore says:
      March 2, 2015 at 12:37 pm

      Thanks, Shailee, for taking the time to read my post! I’m sure your daughter’s curiosity will soar in the coming years 🙂

      Reply
  6. Rachael says:
    July 5, 2016 at 4:44 pm

    Thank you for this encouraging and inspiring post.
    It takes so much strength and courage to raise such “square” boys in this round world, courage to stand up to those around me who want me to be harsh with them and strength when I’m tempted to be controlling myself. So nice to hear from a mom of boys (I’m going through and reading all your “boy” posts!)
    I absolutely believe that by parenting them with compassion they will grow to be amazing men!
    Xoxo

    Reply
    1. Tosha Schore says:
      July 5, 2016 at 10:03 pm

      I’m with you, Rachael. Lots of strength. Lots of courage. Lots of support for ourselves so that we can find that strength and courage! Thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts and share your own. 🙂 Tosha

      Reply

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