FREE Training: 5 Simple Steps to stopping your boy's negative behaviors Sign Up
  • About
  • Work with me
  • Blog
  • Contact
  • FB
  • Twitter

Sensitive Moms Raising Sensitive Sons (How Both Can Thrive), guest post by Rebecca Eanes

April 8, 2019Caring for ourselves, Uncategorizedhappy mother, peaceful parenting, perfection, positive parenting, Rebecca Eanes, self careTosha Schore

I’m a highly sensitive person living in loud, chaotic world. I often find strong smells, loud noise, and chaos. Sirens and violent movies rattle me. I feel things deeply, experiencing great pain, great joy, and everything in between. I become easily overwhelmed by too much sensory input or by having too much to do. I seem to absorb the emotions of those around me. I am easily able to “read” people. It’s sort of like having my very own “spidey sense,” but not nearly as cool. Although I cannot physically climb walls, my high sensitivity has certainly caused me to climb my fair share of figurative ones.

My sensitive trait has affected my motherhood, both wonderfully and unpleasantly. Being intuitive, conscientious, and empathetic are assets when raising children. I am able to easily put myself in my kids’ shoes and see things from their perspective. I often know how they’re feeling before they verbalize it, and it’s a blessing to be able to relate to the boy I’m raising who shares my same trait. I’m able to understand him in ways no one else can, even if sometimes our high emotions collide.

But there are challenges. Motherhood is a roller-coaster ride for the senses. Children are, by their wonderful natures, loud. They’re exuberant, spirited, energetic, and did I mention loud? Many times, I’ve been overstimulated by the barrage of sensory information to the point of being completely frazzled and utterly touched out. My emotions ride the coaster as well. My heart bursts with love and pride, and I feel the joys of motherhood intensely. There is also deep sadness, worry, and fear. If I don’t manage my emotions well, I experience guilt and irritability. I need to escape and find peace and quiet regularly, and we all know this can be challenging in early motherhood. 

My firstborn son is also in the 15 to 20 percent of the population that carries this trait of high sensitivity. Raising a sensitive boy brings its own unique challenges and blessings. Sensitive children are born with highly aware nervous systems. They experience emotions deeply. Love, pain, joy, and sadness are all amplified. They may startle easily and dislike scratchy clothing or seams in socks. They are often sensitive to odors and nose and notice changes in their environment. They also are in tune with the suffering of others and have rich inner lives. They ask deep, thoughtful questions. These children may also prefer quiet play and be bothered by sudden change.

Unfortunately, we still live in a culture that shames sensitive boys. In his book, The Strong Sensitive Boy, Ted Zeff says, “When sensitive boys do not conform to the stereotypical ‘boy code’ and instead express compassion, gentleness, and vulnerability, they are frequently ostracized and humiliated.”

You might think we’ve moved beyond this nonsense, but I still hear crying boys being told that, “Boys don’t cry like that” and to, “Straighten up.” I see how my sensitive boy differs from his classmates, and trust me, he sees it too. Our culture still expects boys to be tough and emotionally repressed. Because of this, being highly sensitive is particularly challenging for boys.

Sensitive people such as my son and myself can thrive given the right environment. Our sensitivity, though challenging, is a strength that we have embraced. I believe sensitive people are an asset to society. We make the world softer, kinder, and brighter. There are just some adjustments that we have to make for our own well-being. 

Tips for Sensitive Mothers

1. Create a sanctuary. I turned my bedroom into a clam and delightful area with ambient lighting and a soft comforter, and I filled it with books. If you can’t transform a whole room, take over a small area. Fill it with things that are pleasing to your senses, such as a soft pillow or a lightly fragranced candle. Listen to something calming or inspiring.

2. Know what reenergizes you and refocuses you. Just as important as identifying what triggers you to feel overwhelmed is identifying your strengtheners. What centers you? Listening to a chapter of an audiobook, taking a walk outside, or playing music while I take a hot shower all help me get re-centered. It’s essential that you build in a little time each day to do what fills you up.

3. Learn to honor your sensitive self and live a slower, more intentional life. It’s okay to say no to that invitation if you know it’s going to drain you. You don’t have to have your kids signed up for every sport and extracurricular that comes around. You are not obligated to help run everything you’re involved in. When we are stretched too thin, it takes a toll on our already sensitive nervous systems, and when there are no blank spaces in the calendar, there is no room for cozying around and recharging.

Tips for Raising Sensitive Boys

1. Teach him how to handle his strong, deep emotions. It’s really important to not make him feel like he’s weird or wrong for having such deep emotions. Use time-in rather than time-out as sensitive boys really shouldn’t be left alone to deal with such big emotions. Teach him tools for self-regulation such as deep breathing or drawing their feelings. Use games and activities to teach about emotions.

2. Maintain a secure attachment. A positive bond between mother and son is important for all boys, but it is especially essential for the sensitive boy. There is a societal fear of raising “mama’s boys” and of coddling, which lead us to prematurely separate from our boys. Mom needs to remain emotionally connected to her sensitive son. Do this by spending quality time playing with him. Be his light reflector. Celebrate his wonderful traits. See the good in him and help him see it too. Avoid harsh discipline and criticizing words. Discipline that connects works best. 

3. Create a positive home environment. Home must be a sensitive child’s safe haven. They quickly pick up on tensions between parents and can be deeply hurt by siblings who tease. The best thing you can do for your sensitive son is to create a home atmosphere that is warm, soothing, and accepting. 

For more strategies and inspiration like this, check out Rebecca’s new book, The Gift of a Happy Mother: Letting Go of Perfection and Embracing Everyday Joy.

 

The Car Ride From Hell That Didn’t Really Bother Me

September 1, 2015Blog, Handling Hard Moments, Uncategorizedboys, challenging parenting situations, conscious parenting, family fun, fatherhood, feelings, Listening, motherhood, parenting, parenting by connection, positive parenting, setting limitsTosha Schore

It’s been a long, hot summer here in our new home. We have gone from North America to Middle East, freezing ocean to warm sea, English to Hebrew (but I’ll keep my posts in the former), urban to rural, family dog to no dog, burritos to falafel, no cousins to tons of cousins, driving lanes as guides, to driving lanes as mere suggestions for placement of your vehicle (which most choose to ignore), many friends to many future friends…

Oh, and there was the month of chicken pox, baseball dreams that didn’t come true (more on that another time), broken down cars and a new dryer that didn’t work (not that we need it in this heat)… I could go on.

The point is, though, that while I’m ready to scream at the top of my lungs, “Yahoo! School starts tomorrow! We made it!” The reality is that each of the five of us is a well of emotions pounding the shore much more like the waves of the Pacific Ocean than the Mediterranean Sea. READ MORE>

Recent Posts

  • 8 Simple Steps to Enjoying this Break with your Kids!

    January 9, 2019
  • My first birthday without my dad

    April 17, 2017
  • 5 Minutes of Special Time Makes a Difference!

    January 15, 2017
  • Your child starts calling you by your first name. You’re not comfortable with this. Wait to see if it’s just a phase or address it right away?

    November 19, 2016
  • Glass Castle or Guarded Fortress?

    October 26, 2016

Archives

  • April 2019
  • January 2019
  • April 2017
  • January 2017
  • November 2016
  • October 2016
  • July 2016
  • June 2016
  • May 2016
  • February 2016
  • January 2016
  • October 2015
  • September 2015
  • August 2015
  • July 2015
  • May 2015
  • April 2015
  • March 2015
  • February 2015
  • January 2015
  • December 2014
  • November 2014
  • October 2014
  • September 2014
  • August 2014

©2021 tosha schore | ALL RIGHTS RESERVED | Privacy Policy Terms of Use

DESIGN BY RACHEL PESSO AND PHOTOGRAPHY BY IN HER IMAGE