I’ve been getting a lot of questions about how to maintain structure while the kids are off school. I get it. If you were tight for breathing room before break, you’re now feeling like you’re holding your breath. Not fun.

Many of us, including myself, are incredibly uncomfortable with downtime. We say we want it, but when it comes, we feel overwhelmed by the expansiveness and potential chaos of it all. A little shift in our day we can deal with, but an empty calendar feels akin to what I imagine a budding artist might feel looking at a blank canvas.

Let me rephrase that. I’m thinking an artist might sense amazing possibility at the site of that blank canvas. The way I feel about the upcoming time off with my boys. But stick me in front of a plain white sheet of anything and my anxiety soars!

And I’m thinking you might be feeling the same about this holiday break.

Here are 8 simple steps to help you enjoy this break with your kids:

1. Make a mindset shift.
As I see it, all we need to do is shift our mindset a bit, and it becomes quite easy to create a fun, peaceful time together.
Instead of: “Oh, shit! I’m stuck home with the kids for two weeks! (at least) It’s going to be so hard!”
Try: “A whole two weeks without rushing and deadlines and expectations! That opens up so much possibility!”
From this place, we’ve got the energy flow we need to create whatever we can dream up!

2. Let as much structure go as you can. It’s really nice to not have to get places by certain times for a change!
Consider taking a break from regular appointments and commitments. Consider unplugging!

3. Take a moment to think about the feelings you’d like to fall asleep to at the end of each day.
Maybe it’s light or joy or relaxed or loving or connected…. Identifying these feelings will create an energetic space for them to come to be.
You might write the words on your mirror or fridge or whiteboard or in your journal.

4. Sit down for three minutes and think about what you need to make sure YOU get each day in order to have the fuel to parent with love and patience, and get that set up first.
You can free write, talk with a friend, or just think to yourself.
It might be a hike, connection with a friend, or a shower! Whatever it is, it’s important!

5. Make a minimal list of what the kids “absolutely must” do each day, and another list of experiences you’d like them to have over the break, and yet another with any projects you’d like to do.
Maybe it’s important to you that they get in a half hour of reading each day, and an hour of being outside. Keep it simple.
Remember that what reading looks like can vary. A read-aloud at the library. Listening together to an audio book. Everyone on the couch reading their separate books. And there are many options for outside too (if you’re not snowed in)!
For the experiences list, perhaps there’s something at the children’s museum you want to be sure they see, or a neighborhood with awesome Christmas lights you want to drive them through. This is a short list of things that you’d be bummed if you all missed out on.
And for projects, maybe you want to clean out the pantry or paint a room. Make a list.

6. Ask the kids what they’d like to do over break.
Let them dream and brainstorm, and you just take notes. You can let them know you want to make sure they get to do some of what they really want. This step is important, and one we often skip over. Don’t.

7. Make a colorful calendar of options.
Sketch out a simple grid on a piece of printer paper, write the dates on it, and fill it in with YOUR DAILY NEED and your daily need for your kids. Then sprinkle in the experiences you want them to have and some of the ones they asked for. Do the same for the projects you want to do.
You could decide that mornings you’re going to lounge around and make sure the reading gets done and you get your shower, but by 1pm you all head out of the house. Or you could decide that mornings you’re out and about, and then have a rest hour for reading and the afternoon to hang around the house for unstructured play. Or you can be more laid back and make each day different, or just list the day’s activities and let them fall where they may. Make it work for you!
Whatever you do, it’s nice to decorate your calendar with your kids. It makes it pretty, but it also makes it feel like it belongs to everyone. Which it does. 🙂

8. Avoid over scheduling.
Otherwise you’re essentially back to the school-time stresses, just for different commitments. If you’ve packed your days, start crossing things out and move them over to an “If there’s time list.”
Remember that flexibility is one of the most amazing qualities we can teach our kids. How to roll with life. And modeling relaxed thinking about something that at first feels overwhelming is one great way to do just that!
Wishing you all a wonderfully connected break with your kids!
And please share how you made this work for you in the comments below.

Today is my birthday. Normally, I’m bursting with excitement for a new year filled with challenge and adventure. This year is different. As always, I let everyone know what I expect: love notes from all the boys, a poster framed, the broken zippers replaced on my favorite winter boots. Things I never get around to, and don‘t feel like dealing with.

Today is my first birthday without my dad. READ MORE>

I’ve known for an embarrassingly long period of time that our days would be sooo much better if I could find a way to have special time with my oldest son first thing in the morning. It’s been a challenge because my husband leaves early and I’m on my own with three boys, rushing to get them all ready for their days. Oh yeah, and I have  to get myself ready as well!  In addition, my boys don’t generally wake up on their own either so I always have to get them up. READ MORE>

Relationships suffer when one or both people are holding in negative feelings about the other. Here, something has obviously shifted for your child. And you’re not feeling good either. Both of you will think better if you get your feelings out. READ MORE>

I’m finally reading The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls. (I know. It’s old. But I had little kids for a lot of years, and didn’t get to read much.) It’s riveting. I can’t put it down. It has everything that makes a good read: a glimpse into another’s world, suspense, humor, horror, love, and good writing. I can’t wait to crawl into bed each night to read it, and I’m repeatedly looking at the clock and muttering to myself, “Just one more chapter.” I read books about people because I love the sensation of being removed from my current life and venturing into someone else’s. I parent my own boys, and then coach others in parenting theirs. Enough! How much parenting can one woman do? So I leave the dusty bottles in the liquor cabinet, and I turn to books. READ MORE>

READ MORE>

The other day my boy was driving me nuts. He was sulking around the house, barking at his brothers with all sorts of choice words, and the only response he could muster up to any bit of thinking I offered was, “What do I care?” I thought to myself, “One more ‘What do I care?’” and I’m going to be on that train of mine. I asked him if he wanted an hour of Special Time.

I got an email the other day from an editor at the Huffington Post, asking if I would be willing to write up a short thank you note to my dad to contribute to a Father’s Day piece she was putting together. 150 words max. Seemed easy enough to write a thank you, but I totally failed on the 150 words. It seems they excerpted a soundbite and published it here.

Here’s what I really wrote (Note: THIS PIECE IS MUCH MORE INTERESTING.) 

As I was writing, one of my boys was looking over my shoulder. When I turned around to peek at his reaction, his eyes were glassy wet. I asked him how he liked it, and he said, “It almost made me cry.” “Oh,” I responded, with a sideways glance. “I guess I’ll have to keep working on it.” He smiled. This boy can hold feelings in, and needs a perfect setup to really let those healing tears flow. I asked if he had read the eulogy I’d written for my father’s funeral two months earlier, and he hadn’t. He asked me to pull it up, and I did.

We switched places. He sat in the chair holding my laptop, and I sat on the bed behind him, peering over his shoulder. I noticed the first tear drip down his cheek, and then the second. I didn’t say anything. Just set my hand on his back. It seemed forever until he finished reading, and then he closed the laptop and walked out of the room. I followed. And as he sat at the table, his head buried in his own two hands, I listened as he grieved. “It doesn’t seem like it’s really true. Maybe it isn’t? Is his wife still living in the house?” And then the sweet memories. This was good.

His behavior has been quite off-track since we got the sudden news of my father’s passing, and my husband and I left the boys with Grandma and flew to the States for three days. My son had needed me and I wasn’t there. I couldn’t be. And it’s been hard to find my way back to his heart. He’s been mad, rude, and often choosing his friends over us, his family. But since that cry he’s done an about face. He asked me to print out the eulogy for him to have. He’ll sit and listen as I read his little brother Harry Potter. Yesterday he laughed hysterically with that same brother as they told us joke after joke on a long car ride home. He even let me give him a hug.

I know his walk back towards me is far from over, but I’m about to print out that eulogy, and I’m preparing to stay by his side as he reads it again, let’s his guard down and his feelings out, and continues his walk back towards me. Sweet boy, my arms are open wide.

Dear Dad,

It’s coming up on your birthday. And you’re not here to celebrate. First time in my life. Even in the years (most of them) when we were apart, I knew you were out there – somewhere on the globe, feet firmly planted on the ground. I had a dad. READ MORE>

40+ Ways to Connect with Your Child Today

Guest Post By Rebecca Eanes

Building and maintaining a strong connection with our children takes focus and work, but the benefits are worth the effort. When children are securely connected with us, they have higher self-esteem, behave better, are more cooperative, and are happier overall. I know we live in a busy world and sometimes it’s difficult to carve out an hour for playtime when dinner needs to be made, dishes are piled high, the inbox is full of messages that need responses, work calls are coming in, and the laundry is everywhere! Connecting doesn’t have to take a lot of time. There are many small things we can do throughout the day and night to strengthen the bonds we have with our children.

1. Give a cheerful morning greeting. Rather than start with a “Hey, hurry up!” try a special morning greeting for each child, like “rise and shine my sunshine” or “good morning doodle bear, I’m happy to see you this morning!” This slight change in greeting can shift the tone for the whole morning.
2. Make it a point to show affection before breakfast. A hug, a rub on the head, a kiss on the cheek – take just a couple of seconds to be affectionate with your child because little moments add up to lots of love.
3. Do something a little special at breakfast, like a note beside their cereal bowl or fruit shaped in a smiley face on top of their oatmeal.
4. Notice something good about them before breakfast and say it out loud. “Your outfit looks nice today” or “Thanks for making your bed this morning. That was helpful.”
5. Make up a secret handshake or hand symbol that’s just for the two of you.
6. Say a blessing over them before they head out the door.
7. Never let them leave without a hug.
8. Put a note in their lunchbox that says “I’m so glad you’re mine!”
9. If your child has a cell phone, send a text to say “I’m thinking of you and smiling!”
10. Do one of their chores for them.
11. Bring them a snack or drink without them asking.
12. Make a comment on what they’re working on when you pass by. “Oh, are you about to beat that level?” or “How’s the homework coming? You’re being so diligent!”
13. Always greet them with a smile, not a question first. “Hi sweetie, I’m happy you’re home!”
14. Make their bed for them and leave a note on it. “Made lovingly by mom.”
15. Block out 10 minutes of time and say “I’m stopping what I’m doing and giving you 10 minutes of my full attention because I love you! What do you want to do for 10 minutes?”
16. Blow up balloons and cover their floor with it “just because.”
17. Offer to rub their back, feet, or shoulders for a few minutes.
18. Choose a topic of conversation at dinner, such as new movies, vacation plans, or best books to avoid awkward silence and shrugs after “how was your day?”
19. Turn some music up loud and dance in the kitchen for 10 minutes while the food is cooking.
20. Begin an afternoon or after-school tea time. Get darling little teacups with saucers and sit down together for a few moments of civilized engagement. Don’t like tea? Put water in the teacup. They’ll probably still think it’s fun!
21. It’s affirmation time again! Notice something good about your child and speak it out before dinner is over.
22. Do a chore alongside your child. Remember how the dwarves did the dishes in The Hobbit? They were singing and laughing and just having a good time doing it. Try that, but don’t toss the dishes around like they did unless you’re very, very good!
23. Do a quick, fun science experiment together. Mentos and Coca Cola or vinegar with baking soda are cheap, easy, and fun.
24. Re-work the homework hour with soft classical music and fresh cookies from the oven. They’ll appreciate the effort and change in atmosphere.
25. Read a chapter aloud from a classic novel.
26. Invite them into your world to learn something new about you. Tell them about a book you’re reading or invite them to do yoga with you.
27. Take a walk together after dinner.
28. Play a round of Uno or a card game of your choice. One round doesn’t usually take too long, but it gives everyone time to gather and unwind.
29. Leave love notes everywhere. Bathroom mirror, bedroom dresser, pillow top, under their shoes.
30. If you have little kids, play on the floor with them for 10-15 minutes uninterrupted. If your kids are older, build a Lego creation or join them in their interest for few minutes.
31. Ask questions that are more specific than “how was your day?” Try “What’s one thing you learned today?” or “Tell me something nice that happened to you today.”
32. Grab a flashlight and go under covers together to tell stories.
33. Make bath time with little ones a special time by adding bath crayons, lots of bubbles, or new bath toys, and play with them for a short while instead of hurrying through the routine.
34. Spend 5 minutes daring each other not to laugh as you each make silly faces, tell jokes, and make silly noises.
35. Say yes to an invitation to play that you’d usually turn down.
36. Play the favorites game by asking “What’s your favorite ___” back and forth quickly until you run out of ideas. You’ll probably learn something new about each other.
37. Tell them stories from your childhood.
38. Talk to them about their family heritage. If you don’t know much about your ancestry, explore it together.
39. Hold them in your lap and rock them like their still babies, even if their limbs are sprawled out all over the place!
40. Arm wrestle each other.
41. Give a piggy back ride to bed or a horsey back ride to the tub.
42. Spend “special time” with each child at bedtime. Sit on the end of their bed or lie down beside them and just listen to what they have to say. If they say nothing, just hold them.
43. Tuck them in with a special prayer or blessing every night.
44. Always kiss them goodnight.

Rebecca Eanes is the creator of www.positive-parents.org and author of The Newbie’s Guide to Positive Parenting. In her new book, Positive Parenting: An Essential Guide, Rebecca shares her hard-won insights on giving up the conventional parenting paradigm to reconnect heart to heart with her children. Because parenting is about so much more than discipline, Rebecca hits on important topics less spoken about, making this more than a parenting book. It’s a book about building lasting family bonds and reclaiming joy in parenting. Positive Parenting: An Essential Guide releases on June 7th. Pre-order now and receive access to an exclusive online book club. Click here to learn more about the book and the pre-order offer.