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Sensitive Moms Raising Sensitive Sons (How Both Can Thrive), guest post by Rebecca Eanes

April 8, 2019Caring for ourselves, Uncategorizedhappy mother, peaceful parenting, perfection, positive parenting, Rebecca Eanes, self careTosha Schore

I’m a highly sensitive person living in loud, chaotic world. I often find strong smells, loud noise, and chaos. Sirens and violent movies rattle me. I feel things deeply, experiencing great pain, great joy, and everything in between. I become easily overwhelmed by too much sensory input or by having too much to do. I seem to absorb the emotions of those around me. I am easily able to “read” people. It’s sort of like having my very own “spidey sense,” but not nearly as cool. Although I cannot physically climb walls, my high sensitivity has certainly caused me to climb my fair share of figurative ones.

My sensitive trait has affected my motherhood, both wonderfully and unpleasantly. Being intuitive, conscientious, and empathetic are assets when raising children. I am able to easily put myself in my kids’ shoes and see things from their perspective. I often know how they’re feeling before they verbalize it, and it’s a blessing to be able to relate to the boy I’m raising who shares my same trait. I’m able to understand him in ways no one else can, even if sometimes our high emotions collide.

But there are challenges. Motherhood is a roller-coaster ride for the senses. Children are, by their wonderful natures, loud. They’re exuberant, spirited, energetic, and did I mention loud? Many times, I’ve been overstimulated by the barrage of sensory information to the point of being completely frazzled and utterly touched out. My emotions ride the coaster as well. My heart bursts with love and pride, and I feel the joys of motherhood intensely. There is also deep sadness, worry, and fear. If I don’t manage my emotions well, I experience guilt and irritability. I need to escape and find peace and quiet regularly, and we all know this can be challenging in early motherhood. 

My firstborn son is also in the 15 to 20 percent of the population that carries this trait of high sensitivity. Raising a sensitive boy brings its own unique challenges and blessings. Sensitive children are born with highly aware nervous systems. They experience emotions deeply. Love, pain, joy, and sadness are all amplified. They may startle easily and dislike scratchy clothing or seams in socks. They are often sensitive to odors and nose and notice changes in their environment. They also are in tune with the suffering of others and have rich inner lives. They ask deep, thoughtful questions. These children may also prefer quiet play and be bothered by sudden change.

Unfortunately, we still live in a culture that shames sensitive boys. In his book, The Strong Sensitive Boy, Ted Zeff says, “When sensitive boys do not conform to the stereotypical ‘boy code’ and instead express compassion, gentleness, and vulnerability, they are frequently ostracized and humiliated.”

You might think we’ve moved beyond this nonsense, but I still hear crying boys being told that, “Boys don’t cry like that” and to, “Straighten up.” I see how my sensitive boy differs from his classmates, and trust me, he sees it too. Our culture still expects boys to be tough and emotionally repressed. Because of this, being highly sensitive is particularly challenging for boys.

Sensitive people such as my son and myself can thrive given the right environment. Our sensitivity, though challenging, is a strength that we have embraced. I believe sensitive people are an asset to society. We make the world softer, kinder, and brighter. There are just some adjustments that we have to make for our own well-being. 

Tips for Sensitive Mothers

1. Create a sanctuary. I turned my bedroom into a clam and delightful area with ambient lighting and a soft comforter, and I filled it with books. If you can’t transform a whole room, take over a small area. Fill it with things that are pleasing to your senses, such as a soft pillow or a lightly fragranced candle. Listen to something calming or inspiring.

2. Know what reenergizes you and refocuses you. Just as important as identifying what triggers you to feel overwhelmed is identifying your strengtheners. What centers you? Listening to a chapter of an audiobook, taking a walk outside, or playing music while I take a hot shower all help me get re-centered. It’s essential that you build in a little time each day to do what fills you up.

3. Learn to honor your sensitive self and live a slower, more intentional life. It’s okay to say no to that invitation if you know it’s going to drain you. You don’t have to have your kids signed up for every sport and extracurricular that comes around. You are not obligated to help run everything you’re involved in. When we are stretched too thin, it takes a toll on our already sensitive nervous systems, and when there are no blank spaces in the calendar, there is no room for cozying around and recharging.

Tips for Raising Sensitive Boys

1. Teach him how to handle his strong, deep emotions. It’s really important to not make him feel like he’s weird or wrong for having such deep emotions. Use time-in rather than time-out as sensitive boys really shouldn’t be left alone to deal with such big emotions. Teach him tools for self-regulation such as deep breathing or drawing their feelings. Use games and activities to teach about emotions.

2. Maintain a secure attachment. A positive bond between mother and son is important for all boys, but it is especially essential for the sensitive boy. There is a societal fear of raising “mama’s boys” and of coddling, which lead us to prematurely separate from our boys. Mom needs to remain emotionally connected to her sensitive son. Do this by spending quality time playing with him. Be his light reflector. Celebrate his wonderful traits. See the good in him and help him see it too. Avoid harsh discipline and criticizing words. Discipline that connects works best. 

3. Create a positive home environment. Home must be a sensitive child’s safe haven. They quickly pick up on tensions between parents and can be deeply hurt by siblings who tease. The best thing you can do for your sensitive son is to create a home atmosphere that is warm, soothing, and accepting. 

For more strategies and inspiration like this, check out Rebecca’s new book, The Gift of a Happy Mother: Letting Go of Perfection and Embracing Everyday Joy.

 

8 Simple Steps to Enjoying this Break with your Kids!

January 9, 2019Blog, Connecting with our kidsTosha Schore

I’ve been getting a lot of questions about how to maintain structure while the kids are off school. I get it. If you were tight for breathing room before break, you’re now feeling like you’re holding your breath. Not fun.

Many of us, including myself, are incredibly uncomfortable with downtime. We say we want it, but when it comes, we feel overwhelmed by the expansiveness and potential chaos of it all. A little shift in our day we can deal with, but an empty calendar feels akin to what I imagine a budding artist might feel looking at a blank canvas.

Let me rephrase that. I’m thinking an artist might sense amazing possibility at the site of that blank canvas. The way I feel about the upcoming time off with my boys. But stick me in front of a plain white sheet of anything and my anxiety soars!

And I’m thinking you might be feeling the same about this holiday break.

Here are 8 simple steps to help you enjoy this break with your kids:

1. Make a mindset shift.
As I see it, all we need to do is shift our mindset a bit, and it becomes quite easy to create a fun, peaceful time together.
Instead of: “Oh, shit! I’m stuck home with the kids for two weeks! (at least) It’s going to be so hard!”
Try: “A whole two weeks without rushing and deadlines and expectations! That opens up so much possibility!”
From this place, we’ve got the energy flow we need to create whatever we can dream up!

2. Let as much structure go as you can. It’s really nice to not have to get places by certain times for a change!
Consider taking a break from regular appointments and commitments. Consider unplugging!

3. Take a moment to think about the feelings you’d like to fall asleep to at the end of each day.
Maybe it’s light or joy or relaxed or loving or connected…. Identifying these feelings will create an energetic space for them to come to be.
You might write the words on your mirror or fridge or whiteboard or in your journal.

4. Sit down for three minutes and think about what you need to make sure YOU get each day in order to have the fuel to parent with love and patience, and get that set up first.
You can free write, talk with a friend, or just think to yourself.
It might be a hike, connection with a friend, or a shower! Whatever it is, it’s important!

5. Make a minimal list of what the kids “absolutely must” do each day, and another list of experiences you’d like them to have over the break, and yet another with any projects you’d like to do.
Maybe it’s important to you that they get in a half hour of reading each day, and an hour of being outside. Keep it simple.
Remember that what reading looks like can vary. A read-aloud at the library. Listening together to an audio book. Everyone on the couch reading their separate books. And there are many options for outside too (if you’re not snowed in)!
For the experiences list, perhaps there’s something at the children’s museum you want to be sure they see, or a neighborhood with awesome Christmas lights you want to drive them through. This is a short list of things that you’d be bummed if you all missed out on.
And for projects, maybe you want to clean out the pantry or paint a room. Make a list.

6. Ask the kids what they’d like to do over break.
Let them dream and brainstorm, and you just take notes. You can let them know you want to make sure they get to do some of what they really want. This step is important, and one we often skip over. Don’t.

7. Make a colorful calendar of options.
Sketch out a simple grid on a piece of printer paper, write the dates on it, and fill it in with YOUR DAILY NEED and your daily need for your kids. Then sprinkle in the experiences you want them to have and some of the ones they asked for. Do the same for the projects you want to do.
You could decide that mornings you’re going to lounge around and make sure the reading gets done and you get your shower, but by 1pm you all head out of the house. Or you could decide that mornings you’re out and about, and then have a rest hour for reading and the afternoon to hang around the house for unstructured play. Or you can be more laid back and make each day different, or just list the day’s activities and let them fall where they may. Make it work for you!
Whatever you do, it’s nice to decorate your calendar with your kids. It makes it pretty, but it also makes it feel like it belongs to everyone. Which it does. 🙂

8. Avoid over scheduling.
Otherwise you’re essentially back to the school-time stresses, just for different commitments. If you’ve packed your days, start crossing things out and move them over to an “If there’s time list.”
Remember that flexibility is one of the most amazing qualities we can teach our kids. How to roll with life. And modeling relaxed thinking about something that at first feels overwhelming is one great way to do just that!
Wishing you all a wonderfully connected break with your kids!
And please share how you made this work for you in the comments below.

My first birthday without my dad

April 17, 2017Blog, Caring for ourselves, Handling Hard Momentsbirthdays, dads, lifecycle events, parentingTosha Schore

Today is my birthday. Normally, I’m bursting with excitement for a new year filled with challenge and adventure. This year is different. As always, I let everyone know what I expect: love notes from all the boys, a poster framed, the broken zippers replaced on my favorite winter boots. Things I never get around to, and don‘t feel like dealing with.

Today is my first birthday without my dad. READ MORE>

5 Minutes of Special Time Makes a Difference!

January 15, 2017Blog, Connecting with our kids, Handling Hard Momentsboys, challenging parenting situations, conscious parenting, positive parenting, special timeTosha Schore

I’ve known for an embarrassingly long period of time that our days would be sooo much better if I could find a way to have special time with my oldest son first thing in the morning. It’s been a challenge because my husband leaves early and I’m on my own with three boys, rushing to get them all ready for their days. Oh yeah, and I have  to get myself ready as well!  In addition, my boys don’t generally wake up on their own either so I always have to get them up. READ MORE>

Your child starts calling you by your first name. You’re not comfortable with this. Wait to see if it’s just a phase or address it right away?

November 19, 2016Blog, Handling Hard Momentschallenging parenting situations, Listening, power of play, setting limitsTosha Schore

Relationships suffer when one or both people are holding in negative feelings about the other. Here, something has obviously shifted for your child. And you’re not feeling good either. Both of you will think better if you get your feelings out. READ MORE>

Glass Castle or Guarded Fortress?

October 26, 2016Blog, Handling Hard Momentsboys, helicopter parenting, positive parenting, setting limitsTosha Schore

I’m finally reading The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls. (I know. It’s old. But I had little kids for a lot of years, and didn’t get to read much.) It’s riveting. I can’t put it down. It has everything that makes a good read: a glimpse into another’s world, suspense, humor, horror, love, and good writing. I can’t wait to crawl into bed each night to read it, and I’m repeatedly looking at the clock and muttering to myself, “Just one more chapter.” I read books about people because I love the sensation of being removed from my current life and venturing into someone else’s. I parent my own boys, and then coach others in parenting theirs. Enough! How much parenting can one woman do? So I leave the dusty bottles in the liquor cabinet, and I turn to books. READ MORE>

So, You Can’t Tape Your Child’s Mouth Shut

July 16, 2016Blog, Handling Hard Momentsbeing honest, challenging parenting situations, Hand in Hand Parenting, homophobia, Listening, motherhood, parenting, positive parenting, racism, setting limitsTosha Schore

We moved recently, relocating from one of the most forward thinking places on the planet to a small town. No more highways. Very little crime. Good people. But this is no city!

Not long after we arrived, one of my boys called another “Homo!” And no, it wasn’t a “Dude, you’re so innovative — like homo-erectus. You, know, ‘homo’.” No. It was an angry put down at the expense of gay people.

READ MORE>

Why I don’t ‘Go away!’

July 5, 2016Blog, Handling Hard Momentschallenging parenting situations, feelings, Hand in Hand Parenting, Listening, motherhood, setting limits, special time, StaylisteningTosha Schore

Sometimes it feels like my son is deliberately trying to push me over into that parenting place where my thinking stops and feelings rule. Where finally, after a full day of whining and sibling squabbles and talking back, I lose sight of my boy’s goodness and say something I later regret. It’s usually in the form of, “Why can’t you just… (fill in the blank),” or “Why do you always have to… (fill in the blank),” or “What is going on with you!” My tone is harsh, and in that moment, my desire is to shirk my responsibility as the only adult present and to blame. I don’t expect an answer to my questions. I’m just boiling hot, and need to release my frustrations. And there’s my little boy, standing in front of me. I see him cower, but the engine of my anger train is just revving up, and it’s energy overcomes me. It’s leaving the station, and it has power over me. I’ve now lost control too. I’m overcome with a “need” to overpower something or someone. A power that when I’m in my right mind, I don’t even want.

That’s what a bad day looks like. And we all have them.

Mostly, though, I’ve learned how to avoid boarding those anger trains — those trains that take me on a ride towards the land of blame and shame, where I can rule with an iron fist (at least with the younger ones). I hate that land. It’s not perfection I strive for as a parent, but my goal is to hop that train as infrequently as possible.

2016-07-03-1467537096-1873355-IMG_0850.jpg

The other day my boy was driving me nuts. He was sulking around the house, barking at his brothers with all sorts of choice words, and the only response he could muster up to any bit of thinking I offered was, “What do I care?” I thought to myself, “One more ‘What do I care?’” and I’m going to be on that train of mine. I asked him if he wanted an hour of Special Time.

“No!” he barked.

I took a deep breath. I knew he needed to connect with me. And I knew I needed a framework to help me remember that I love him.

I set the timer for an hour. I’ve been doing Special Time with my boys for years, so I’ve built up stamina. I can pay full attention to one of them for those 60 minutes, pouring in love and appreciation despite their ugly behaviors. I can be pleased to do whatever they want — accept their requests for sugar-loaded treats, or set up a bunch of pranks around the house. None of it phases me anymore.

“I’m all yours, baby. I’ve got an hour, and we can do whatever you want.”

“I want you to go away!” he shouted in my face. “I want to be alone!”

I took another deep breath.

“I’m not going to leave you alone when you’re struggling. Later on, you can be alone. No problem.”

He lay down on the couch, facing the back cushions. I sat down next to him, positioning my tush behind the crook of his knees. He tried to push me off with his backside, and again screamed at me to go away. I stayed. After a few minutes, he stopped pushing and continued telling me to leave. I stayed. After another few minutes he quieted.

“What do you want to do for Special Time, baby?” I asked again in a tone that expressed the sweet anticipation I was now feeling.

“I don’t want to do Special Time,” he threw out the words with about as much life as a dead cat.

“Well, here we are doing Special Time. I’m all yours for probably 45 more minutes, and I’m happy to just sit here on the couch with you, if that’s what you’d like. I’m happy to just be with you.”

He was quiet.

After another five minutes or so, he asked me if I knew how to make caramel. I told him it just happened that one of my college roommates had lived on caramel corn, and I had watched her make it so many times I was sure I could do it with my eyes closed.

“I don’t want to make caramel corn,” he stated, with zero enthusiasm. “I want to make caramel.”

“OK,” I said, in a chipper tone. “Let’s do it!”

He dragged himself off the couch and towards the kitchen. I knew he wanted to make caramel and that he was grateful for my attention, but his body language successfully disguised his pleasure. I was familiar with the “How long will you hang in with my nutty behavior?” test. And I knew how to hang.

For the next 45 minutes we played in the kitchen. It started out slow and quiet, but fairly quickly my boy grew more animated. The smiles returned. It was as if we had blown air into that half-deflated balloon from last night’s party. He stood up straight. Suddenly had lots to talk about.

When the timer rang we had just poured the sticky caramel into a glass baking dish. Together, we cleaned up our mess, and then we went our separate ways. He headed to his room to do something on his own. And I made myself a cup of tea and took a five-minute break to appreciate my success in staying off the anger train, and bask in my son’s sweetness — and love of sweets!

This piece was originally published on HuffPost Parents.

How tears can bring you and your boy closer.

June 21, 2016Blog, Connecting with our kids, Handling Hard Momentscrying, feelings, Hand in Hand Parenting, lifecycle events, parenting, raising boys, StaylisteningTosha Schore

I got an email the other day from an editor at the Huffington Post, asking if I would be willing to write up a short thank you note to my dad to contribute to a Father’s Day piece she was putting together. 150 words max. Seemed easy enough to write a thank you, but I totally failed on the 150 words. It seems they excerpted a soundbite and published it here.

Here’s what I really wrote (Note: THIS PIECE IS MUCH MORE INTERESTING.) 

As I was writing, one of my boys was looking over my shoulder. When I turned around to peek at his reaction, his eyes were glassy wet. I asked him how he liked it, and he said, “It almost made me cry.” “Oh,” I responded, with a sideways glance. “I guess I’ll have to keep working on it.” He smiled. This boy can hold feelings in, and needs a perfect setup to really let those healing tears flow. I asked if he had read the eulogy I’d written for my father’s funeral two months earlier, and he hadn’t. He asked me to pull it up, and I did.

We switched places. He sat in the chair holding my laptop, and I sat on the bed behind him, peering over his shoulder. I noticed the first tear drip down his cheek, and then the second. I didn’t say anything. Just set my hand on his back. It seemed forever until he finished reading, and then he closed the laptop and walked out of the room. I followed. And as he sat at the table, his head buried in his own two hands, I listened as he grieved. “It doesn’t seem like it’s really true. Maybe it isn’t? Is his wife still living in the house?” And then the sweet memories. This was good.

His behavior has been quite off-track since we got the sudden news of my father’s passing, and my husband and I left the boys with Grandma and flew to the States for three days. My son had needed me and I wasn’t there. I couldn’t be. And it’s been hard to find my way back to his heart. He’s been mad, rude, and often choosing his friends over us, his family. But since that cry he’s done an about face. He asked me to print out the eulogy for him to have. He’ll sit and listen as I read his little brother Harry Potter. Yesterday he laughed hysterically with that same brother as they told us joke after joke on a long car ride home. He even let me give him a hug.

I know his walk back towards me is far from over, but I’m about to print out that eulogy, and I’m preparing to stay by his side as he reads it again, let’s his guard down and his feelings out, and continues his walk back towards me. Sweet boy, my arms are open wide.

Happy Father’s Day – wherever you are…

June 19, 2016Blog, Caring for ourselveschallenging parenting situations, conscious parenting, death, father's day, fatherhood, lifecycle events, parenting, parenting by connection, positive parentingTosha Schore

Dear Dad,

It’s coming up on your birthday. And you’re not here to celebrate. First time in my life. Even in the years (most of them) when we were apart, I knew you were out there – somewhere on the globe, feet firmly planted on the ground. I had a dad. READ MORE>

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Recent Posts

  • 8 Simple Steps to Enjoying this Break with your Kids!

    January 9, 2019
  • My first birthday without my dad

    April 17, 2017
  • 5 Minutes of Special Time Makes a Difference!

    January 15, 2017
  • Your child starts calling you by your first name. You’re not comfortable with this. Wait to see if it’s just a phase or address it right away?

    November 19, 2016
  • Glass Castle or Guarded Fortress?

    October 26, 2016

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